Friday, September 4, 2009

Heart to Heart

I have taken to wearing my Geo circle lenses at least 2-3 times a week. In the pictures above, I am wearing my Geo Nudy's in brown. I love how it makes my eyes looks so different from normal. I blab about it so much that my significant other who works in customer service knows which Asian girl customer is wearing them now. He even asked one girl today and she was damn surprised. Haha.

Lately, I have been having issues with my self-esteem.

There are just so many things going on that are just a little too much to handle right now. I think I may be sick. I am not sure what type of sickness it is and I by gods, hope it's nothing terminal or something that will render me somewhat useless physically. I experience pain from it everyday - and the first time trying to book an appointment at multiple doctors was intensely frustrating. I ended up tearing up a little because the next available slots for me were 2-3 weeks. How the hell am I supposed to suffer for 2-3 weeks without any treatment?

I am scared. I am really scared. I don't know what to do and despite being rather strong in certain ways I am not a big pushover. More passive-agressive if anything. But, sometimes when I feel so weak, I think to myself that there is no lower I can go and I must fight my way out of the pit I dug. So, I called again and pushed for an emergency appointm
ent. I have an appointment due next week with one doctor and a nurse (from my family doctor's practice).

I am not quite sure what it is sometimes. It's almost as if when my life is at it's most hectic point that I just have a habit of bringing more trouble into my life to distract myself from the reality. I know, I get a lot more snappy and I start bashing the significant other and pushing him away even though I know I shouldn't. If anything, I just want to be left alone to mope.

Lately, I just want to shop. Shopping, is such an adventure lately. I paid for half my serger (my significant other paid for the other half as it is my Birthday Present). I finally bought a flat-iron. Went on a mini shopping spree at Sephora getting Benefit Erase Paste and Korres Quince Lip Butter + a free sample of Anastasia Mascara. I bought a pair of sexy boots from Payless.

Ridiculous, how much I spend when stressed!

It almost seems like beauty comes in a prettily packaged box...or many boxes:

But lately, the focus has been on appearance. Usually, I am not very high maintenance. However, recently I've been feeling this slight pressure to look a certain way now that I have been exposed to the world in which a certain perfection presides hand in hand with materialism. It almost seems as if I was meant to catch on. Eventually. I don't know how wholesome it will make me feel once I attain this beauty.

I've always told my bestfriend that to feel beautiful you must truly believe it for it to happen. Somehow, I've lost touch with that. To be honest, sometimes its all in your head. You can fiddle a lot with the outside but beauty really comes from within. And at this moment, my insides are ugly ugly ugly. They are like a rotting pile of tangles and knots.

Yet, despite this all. I still realize that while my spending could be cut a little more and I will always be on the pursuit for something to better myself. I will be fine. I have a lot of things many take for granted or don't even have. I should be happy. Thankful. Selfless.

Like our dog, Cookie:

No comments: